rockets in the night - a metaphor

I have never been a dog person or a cat person. The reasoning is simple:

1. Dogs
   
   You must debase yourself by curbing them.



2. Cats
   
   One room in your house always smells.

My father always ascribed to these views, especially the first, and I never had a dog as a child. As soon as all the children were gone from the house, however, he changed his tune. My parents did the classic thing and bought a dog immediately. One dog became two, and now they love the dogs with incredible fervor.

So, in part because of her love of dogs and part because of her concern for me, my mother recently sent me an email about a new study that shows that dogs are more effective than Prozac. This struck me for a few reasons:

1. They're more effective than Prozac? The article didn't mention Lexapro, Effexor, etc. Makes me wonder if the makers of those drugs lobbied not to be studied vs. dogs.


2. The study explained that "[Having a dog] actually works better than having a loved one next to you.” Whoa.


3. The professor who published the study is also the author of a book, How to Speak Dog: Mastering the Art of Dog-Human Communication.

Now, I know I'm not supposed to be cynical about these things. But I think people go a little nuts about dogs and how they're a cure-all for every physical and psychological trauma that humans face. I think it's actually a little harmful to promulgate the idea that if you get a dog, all of your mental health issues will be solved. There are a lot of people out there who aren't capable of handling a dog and it's probably going to be worse for them and the dog if they get one.

I have a friend who has a dog. I asked him once if he likes it. He told me:

"Honestly, it's kind of a pain. You should only get one if you really want to deal with it all the time."

Now, he clearly loves this dog. He nuzzles it and plays with it and etc., etc. But the answer blew me away.

"You're the only person I've ever heard who hasn't said, 'Dogs are amazing. I love them so much. They're the best thing you can bring into your lives."

"I'm just being honest."

---

I tried to look up the study by Dr. Stanley Coren (University of British Columbia) about the dog/Prozac war. It was purportedly published in Pyschosomatic Medicine in December. I can't find it anywhere on the journal's website, however.If anyone can find it, please tell me. (I would also like to know what language uses the .dtl file name suffix. The site is http://www.psychosomaticmedicine.org/search.dtl.)

So I'm suspicious of this entire study and this entire line of thought. I'll get a dog eventually, but for me it'll be an alarm clock, because I have a tendency to wake up and lie in bed paralyzed when I get depressed. You can't do that with a dog or a child. I suppose that makes them a good mental-health aid right there. But in the meantime...

While I was searching for the dog study on Psychosomatic Medicine...

I found the following studies about dogs:

• Conditioning Neuroses in Dog and Cat


• Effect of Chronic Fear on the Gastric Secretion of HCl in Dogs (this must really suck for the dog)


• Studies with Experimental Neurosis and Drug-Induced Ulceration of the Colon in Dogs (ditto)


• Effect of Alcohol on the Sexual Reflexes of Normal and Neurotic Male Dogs (!!!)



Now, this list made me crack up--my first crack-up today. And for that I can be thankful for dogs and Prozac.

(For more scientific fun, check out the world's 10 Most Bizarre Scientific Papers.)